Tell Your Boyfriend I Said Hi

I feel about as restless as Katee Sackhoff’s “Starbuck” at the end of the series finale of Battlestar Galactica. And if I learned anything from “the greatest television series of all time,” it’s that “all of this has happened before. All of this will happen again.”

The one inescapable pattern I can’t seem to escape is meeting a great guy and within days, meeting their ex-boyfriend (or live in partner).

And it’s happening again.

This pattern goes back to the time when I discovered Adam the First was carrying on with a MUCH older man via webcam. We had just broken up and I was at an awards ceremony seated right next the dinosaur when he asked who had hurt me. Five minutes later, all was revealed. And keep in mind, Adam the First was living in New York and I (along with the T-Rex) was living in Los Angeles.

There was the time Cooper and I had just started to hang out. We went hiking and I mentioned in a Facebook status message that I, “just went hiking at Runyan and got burned,” only to get a message from a stranger sayin, “funny, I did too.” It took some digging to realize he was Cooper’s recently ex-boyfriend. It was creepy. Like, “the call is coming from inside the house,” creepy. To this day I’m afraid to on the trails at Runyan by myself.

There was the time I met vegan James backstage at a runway show. Over a few days, we exchanged phone numbers and stayed up late IMing each other, but our schedules never matched up.

Then I met Gary. He was also a model. He mentioned in passing, “oh, I think you met my roommate, James.” It wasn’t until I was on instant messenger with James later that night and he said, “I have to go walk the dogs that I realized his“roommate” was actually his “live-in boyfriend of three years.” (Because two gay men living together with more than one dog is a fucking couple.)

There was the New Years Eve date/ trick, Murphy, who vanished in the middle of the night, only to resurface at The Abbey a week later when I ran into a co-worker who introduced me to him as his “partner of four years.”

It’s not that small of a world. This is some sort of supernatural phenomenon. I half expect these guys to start showing up in t-shirts that read, “Been there. Done him.”

This past week I met a really cool actor-boy (I know, I know) but he lives in New York, so I didn’t invest anything in it. (You only make that mistake five times.) A few days later, I met a guy (Brent) through an on-line dating site (because I’m a masochist). During a conversation, I discovered that Brent appeared in the same show as New York boy and when I mentioned said actor’s name, he said, “oh, Rick is my ex-boyfriend.”

But of course he is. All of this has happened before. All of this will happen again.

Because we seemed to have a good conversation, I decided to take it further and actually sit down in a public place with the man. I asked him in an e-mail if he would like to meet for coffee on Tuesday at the Abbey. I figured if things didn’t work out, I could easily move from mocha to martini.

On Monday (the day before) I was in a meeting when I heard my cell phone ringing. I couldn’t answer it at the time, but when I was finally able to check my voicemail, it went something kind of like this: “Hey Alex, it’s Brent. I’m here at The Abbey. It’s about 2:30. Just wondering when you’re getting here.”

First off, he never confirmed TUESDAY! And since it was 3:30, I immediately called him and said, “Brent! I’m so sorry you were there all by yourself. I was in a meeting and couldn’t get to my phone. But I said Tuesday.”

“Yeah, I know, but your e-mail said “tomorrow.”

“I know. I sent that e-mail at noon. Today. Tomorrow is Tuesday.”

I felt awful. As a writer, my favorite note is “I didn’t get that” because it means I wasn’t clear. So I felt like this was my fault (even though he never replied to say, “great, see you tomorrow, Tuesday”) .

I felt so bad I sent him an e-mail from my Blackberry. I just hated that he sat there thinking I had stood him up.

When I got home, I double checked and sure enough, I had said, “I have a meeting today. How about Tuesday?” so I instant messaged him (as he was on-line): “I’m so sorry. I hate that you were there alone.”

His reply: “Dude, I know you’re not a flake because you’ve apologized in 40 different forms of media.”

I responded, “I know and I’ll be faxing you and calling your home line shortly.” I asked him if he was free the next day and he said, “He had to work.” I left it with, “Well let me know when you get free so I can buy you lunch.”

Nothing.

Not a damn thing. And I see him on-line. It drives me crazy.

And dude, this was YOUR fault.

I was pissed. I still am. It wasn’t MY fault he showed up 24 hours early without confirming. But I DID feel very bad that he sat there looking at his watch and wondering where I was and why I wasn’t returning his phone call.

And I haven’t heard a word from him since. Why? Because I apologized too much is all I can gather.

My friend Jen tried to set me up with a guy who works out at her gym. He’s an aspiring writer (and an actor, duh) and so she thought this would be a good match.

We e-mailed and played phone tag. After witty e-mail banter back and forth, I said, “You and I should grab coffee” and all communication ceased.

Is it COFFEE? Is THAT what I’m doing wrong? Is there another code word I should be using? Or should I just start saying, “You have a nice face and I liked Postcards From the Edge too. Would you bend over so I can have relations with your hot pocket?”

Did I miss some sort of memo that said we no longer do coffee or meet in public? I mean, I’m on a dating site, not “looking for now.”

Or do I just attract idiots?

All of this has happened before. All of this will happen again.

I’m tired of making excuses for people. I’ve tried to think positive until my brain hurts.

I’m convinced that the men in this town are all flakes. So I give up. I give the frak up. But please, gentle reader, convince me otherwise. Where in this town do you meet human boys and not cylons?

Temporarily, I have made a vow to only date guys who live outside of a thirty mile zone. I have my eyes set on Long Beach. You’ve been warned.

All will be revealed.

By the way, Bob Harper and Robert Gant have still not called me. I won't be ignored.